Cosmeceuticals Vs. Tennis Racquets? Who’s Selling Snake Oil?

When it comes to snake oil, I think the people at Head tennis racquets have taken the cake. Even the most egregious direct response male performance product has nothing on these guys. And note… I am a tennis player, I love getting a new racquet and I want to believe.

Here’s the line for Head’s Youtek Mojo Racquet: “d3o Technology senses your needs during different strokes.” Honest to God, that’s how it’s written.

Let me understand: this inanimate object with no electronic sensors and no ability to change shape or density actually senses my needs during play? C’mon, this is snake oil beyond snake oil.

Let a cosmeceutical company claim its anti-wrinkle cream “senses your needs with new d3o Penetrating Epidermal Technology” and the FDA and FTC would start to twitch.

So, as I’m about to hit a drop shot I guess the racket senses this and what? Reduces string tension so I hit a softer shot? Maybe the racquet changes its balance point and goes from handle heavy to head heavy in an instant to put more weight behind the shot? And if I’m trapped in the corner and have to hit a passing shot, I guess the Youtek Mojo grows in size so I get more hitting area. Wow!

In another part of the ad, it says that d3o Technology “…makes passing shots harder and drop shots more precise.” Again, WOW!

Those of us in nutraceuticals and cosmeceuticals are frequently if not constantly accused of selling snake oil. Part of the reputation has been ‘earned’ by spurious marketers hawking Blue Stuff and male enhancement cures and anti-wrinkle breakthroughs; but much of the reputation is unfair. All marketers, from Rolls Royce to the American Cancer Society, make claims that they are new, different, better. That’s the essence of the art.

Part of our outrage at advertising seems to be that we consumers will accept claims for products we like while laughing at those made for things we don’t need or use. Women like cosmetics; men think the ads are stupid: “Who in the world would believe that?” Turn the tables, however, and most women think that ads for the latest 5 terabyte cloud computing breakthrough are nonsense.

Even though I am a tennis fanatic, the Head people have set a new standard. This goes way beyond the people who advertised a cream that helps erase ‘ear wrinkles.’ Suddenly, that claim seems fine to me when compared to a morphing tennis racquet.

Here’s a thought. Instead of the Youtek Mojo, call it the Youtek Mr. Mojo Risin’ and claim the racquet makes you look like Jim Morrison (pre-junkie phase) as you gracefully run to make a fantastic shot… long hair glistening in the sun.

 I’d pay for that (and so would my wife)!

Hey Volkswagen, listen up: deceptive dealer offers make lifetime customers hate you!

It’s amazing how so many companies have no idea of a customer's lifetime value. That number is generally greater than you think, particularly for products that aren’t commodities. The value is so high, in fact, you really shouldn’t risk it for short-term marketing stunts.

Yet, companies do this time and time and time again.

In search of response rates, marketers try tricks and deceptive tactics to get customers to react, and then believe that the 10% response they ‘achieved’ was a rousing success. Meanwhile, customers who have already spent thousands with you are walking away, never to return.

Case in point, a recent visit to Volkswagen (SouthTowne dealership in Salt Lake). I own a 2002 Jetta – I know, poor me. The car is not one of VW’s best. Electrical problems abound, among other things. Everyone knows this. Before this Jetta I have owned two other VWs. My lifetime value to them is pretty high. So, I receive a letter saying that VW is buying back 1999 – 2002 Jettas – offering to pay the basic MSRP when the car was new if customers will buy a new or used car.

I know it’s a gaffe – but part of me, sucker that I am, thinks that maybe, just maybe, VW wants these cars off the road. After all, the newer models are superior and every time a potential VW buyer sees my car, s/he thinks, “VW made a mess of that model.” My car is bad advertising.

In the past, the way car dealerships rigged this kind of offer was by deducting for every ding and dent and problem. Of course, this model has problems beyond belief. But the offer from SouthTowne VW says the only deduction will be for mileage. Remember, we’re talking 1999 – 2002 models so there will be at least 50,000 miles on any Jetta that comes in – that’s less than 5,000 miles a year.

So what’s the catch?

The deduction VW takes is the IRS standard mileage deduction. OK, you already see the hook. That amount is 42 cents per mile. So let’s do the math. A car with 50,000 miles – again minimal for this age – retailed for $16,800. VW offers me that, minus 50,000 x .42. The result? Deduct $21,000 from $16,800. Oops. I owe them money… they see the car as worthless, but will still offer me ‘something.’

The insult is the 42 cents per mile deduction is calculated by IRS to include the cost of the car, depreciation, insurance, repairs and gasoline. What does the cost of gasoline have to do with the value of a VW? Nothing. They know it and assume you don’t. “This is the standard deduction,” Randy the salesman rants. Like his hands are tied by the IRS.

It’s just a flat out carnival trick by VW: like guessing someone’s weight for a fee of $5, then offering him or her a prize that’s worth $2 if you're wrong. The house wins either way.

As a marketer I went to VW just to see how they would pull their cheap, slick rabbit from a hat. (Plus, IKEA is on the way.) Now I know.

Bottom line: that marketing stunt cost them a lifetime customer. I will not ever return to the dealership, nor will I ever consider another VW. Ever. Case closed.

So while their marketing consultant is talking about a high response rate, VW corporate ought to be thinking about how many customers have been chased away… forever. In my case, future business was worth at least one more VW (I love the new Golf), which includes the $20K cost (at least) plus service for the life of the car, etc.

Somewhere in Deutschland a VW bean counter is wondering why they can’t grow the brand in America.

All the while, the 'marketers' at SouthTowne are patting themselves on the back for a scheme that went so very well.

Direct Response: Why Would You Buy Anything from a Liar?

You wouldn't, or at least you shouldn't.

Increasingly, consumers aren't buying the traditional advertising/direct response shtick (unless the product is inexpensive or until it hits the junk bin at Wal-Mart). Sure, there's the occasional sham-wow success, but it's short-lived... a victim of the usual hit-and-run philosophy that dominates DR. Products come and go quickly because they are cheap and ineffective and few consumers buy more than once. So the old men of DR move on... start another company with a new chain of lies.

The old school DR guys think you're a schmuck. The bigger the lie, the more you'll buy (Billy Mays would be proud of that line). They think they're infinitely smarter than you. 'Only an idiot would believe that,' so why not put it in the ad?

Consumers are changing, thank God, and DR is suffering. Good! Maybe now the over-50 guys (like me) who still comprise most DR 'professionals' (an oxymoron, I know) will either change their ways or get out of the business.

But they won't change their ways. Those who work in DR are much like feng shui philosophers -- one trick ponies who keep doing the same thing, over and over and over again... all based on the belief of their superiority and your stupidity.

Consider today's infomercial.

Every ad is the same -- same scenes, same timeline (intro/problem, spokesperson, product/solution, meet the expert, etc., etc.) same ridiculous stories, same stupid voiceover... BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE... You're right... more lies.

There's the obligatory 'internationally famous' creator of the product (some doctor you've never heard of). LIE

The 'accidental' breakthrough. LIE

The Hollywood B-lister who 'discovered' the product and brings it to you because he or she wants to help. LIE

'It will change your life.' LIE

Gunthy-Renker and their stupid infomercials should be banned from TV FOREVER!

Ironically, it's the proliferation of these poorly written and badly produced ads that will drive the final stake into the heart of old school DR.

Ladies -- you cannot be gullible enough to believe the cosmetic ads from these guys... can you? The cosmetics industry is so full of lies and liars that even the sleepy FTC was finally forced to set some new standards -- which is why the ads now say "reduces the appearance of wrinkles' rather than the much stronger 'reduces wrinkles.'

'Rapid weight loss, incredible energy,' (that's my voice on those irritating diet pill commercials, by the way.) So how is that line not a lie? Well, since you can't define rapid (for at least one person out there, losing one pound a month is 'rapid') and you can't define incredible (if I lose an ounce that's 'incredible' to me), then you can't say it's a lie. How's that for a bit of sophistry?

Meanwhile, the need for honest marketing, for an ad that actually sells a product, has never been greater than in today's tight-fisted economy.

How about a true ad... one that tells a compelling story about a good product that does what it promises? Sounds simple, doesn't it?

Here's the rub. This approach requires a good product, which implies a costly product that takes time to develop. The DR industry, in particular, can't wait for success and never wants to spend even one cent on product development. It's easier, faster and cheaper to make up a story and try to sucker consumers. Happens everyday.

Stop being a schmuck! Stop marketing like a schmuck!